Browsing All Posts filed under »the bitter«

I don’t know

December 21, 2013


“We are well advised to keep on nodding terms with the people we used to be, whether we find them attractive company or not. Otherwise they turn up unannounced and surprise us, come hammering on the mind’s door at 4am of a bad night and demand to know who deserted them, who betrayed them, who […]

The hard road

October 21, 2013


When DK talked about why we couldn’t be together in a more meaningful way (the times we spent together he parceled out stingily; they were always when he wanted to be stimulated by my mind and body), the reasons were often cryptic: “I do keep you at arm’s length, but not for the reasons you think”, […]

none needed

July 25, 2013


Andy always said I think too much and DK said my brain needed a dimmer switch.  Both of which are sometimes true.  When I wrote I messed up I had gone too deep into my thoughts and fell into a self-flaggelating dark space. I have no need to forgive myself, although it is true I continue […]

I messed up.

July 24, 2013


I went for a bike ride after my last post, feeling lighter, as if I had stepped out of a pair of pebble-filled pants and left them on the side of the road.   But my mind kept turning as I peddled until another invisible fist punched me in the gut so hard I swerved. More […]

How does my garden grow?

June 2, 2013


I have lost my heart for so many of the things I love since I met DK. Movies, meals, restaurants, menus, music.  It didn’t happen overnight; the erosion was slow. For many of them my fondness at first grew with the anticipation of finally sharing them with someone with whom I was in such sync; who […]

After hours

May 20, 2013


The hours between the setting of the sun and me succumbing to sleep are when my aloneness most often morphs into loneliness. It’s when I am most aware of my desire for the kind of intimacy that none of my wonderful friendships can provide. It is the time when my body colludes with my mind […]

What if, if only.

May 16, 2013


What if, if only, maybe. I really do try to not let any of the Maybe, If Only or What If cards shuffle into my consciousness because, hey Gretchen?  There are no what ifs. What’s done is done. Etc.  But sometimes I can’t help it. Like today. A great day, busy and productive, getting ready […]