What if, if only #2

Posted on December 8, 2013

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caged-heart

There are so many junctures in mine and DK’s relationship that, when I think about them, are often followed by, “If only.”

The ‘if only’ now is mostly just “if only DK had been upfront, honest and looked me in the eyes to say what he had to say.”

Our path twisted and twined, in and out, off and on, in so many variations (of the same theme) over more than four years until the last variant, that lasted from late October 2011 until April 2012. It would have been like plunging a knife into my heart, no doubt, but how much better it would be for both of us now had he come to me at any time during those 6 months and told me his latest truth. That when he looked me in the eye that November day at his home and told me he was not seeing anyone, he had been lying. That during all the nights he was texting me his desire/respect/admiration/etc. for me (or text-yelling at me; there was a lot of that too), during the days he was building a relationship, making plans, loving someone else.

caged-heart

My hurt, anger and bewilderment would have been volcanic – there is no doubt of that. Could you blame me? But so much better to have told me the truth than to let me discover it for myself. As if I wouldn’t have. (Honestly, DK, did you really think I wouldn’t find out? Dude.)

Maybe I’d be further along in healing and more prepared to open my heart again. Maybe he would feel better about it all as well. I don’t know that, but unless he really is a sociopath, he must feel some remorse, regret. And almost definitely, this blog would not exist.

But those are what ifs and if onlys. I’ll keep untangling, moving forward and sometimes taking a few steps back. Making art. Writing. I’m doing the best I can.

caged-heart

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Posted in: 2011, 2013, heart, mind, reflections