none needed

Posted on July 25, 2013

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none-needed

Andy always said I think too much and DK said my brain needed a dimmer switch. 

Both of which are sometimes true. 

When I wrote I messed up I had gone too deep into my thoughts and fell into a self-flaggelating dark space. I have no need to forgive myself, although it is true I continue to feel guilt when I shouldn’t. (Maybe a Catholic thing!) Although I certainly made missteps in my relationship with DK, there is no shame in loving and trusting someone. DK brought his own demons into our relationship that caused a lot of confusion and hurt; I often forget that he was – probably still is – struggling with them. When we were together though, I made far too many allowances for him and that is indeed my fault. 

I try not to bandy about words like blame, shame and fault, but maybe I shouldn’t be so careful about that. The only person who should feel any shame about how Deke and I ended is … Deke. And he knows. 

I said at the beginning that ours was a very complicated relationship. It has many nuances and shades of grey. There is so much more. 

I will continue to write my way out of this labyrinth. 

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Posted in: 2013, mind, the bitter